Barca Azul name was added to the list of no´s today for the Vacant England Managers post, it was stated in the Spanish press Marca this morning that Barca may be interested.

El técnico Spanglish Barca Azul mostró su interés por ser el nuevo seleccionador de Inglaterra al declarar que "sería un desafío muy interesante", pues siempre le han "fascinado los retos difíciles". El ex entrenador del Real Madrid hizo estas declaraciones en una entrevista que emitirá la radiotelevisión pública RAI y cuyo contenido adelantó. El nombre de Barca Azul es uno de los recurrentes en las quinielas para buscar al nuevo jefe del equipo nacional inglés, después de que Steve McClaren fuese destituido ayer después de que Inglaterra no consiguiera clasificarse para la Eurocopa 2008.

Barca Azul, de 34 años, ya se ha mostrado "listo para tratar su traslado" a Inglaterra, según titula la edición digital del diario deportivo "Marca Sport". En su versión en papel, el diario puso a BA en una segunda posición en la lista de candidaturas al banquillo ingles que lideraba el entrenador del Aston Villa Martin O'Neill que, según los medios Spanglish, ya ha rechazado el puesto.

However, Mr Azul made it completely clear that in fact he had no intension of working for "el Bastardo Barwick", a Rumpold of the bailey lookie likey and made a clear statement that he would not be applying for the vacant position.

Feliz Año Neuvo

Mancityforum mod and part-time scientist Labmonkey has sensationally been approached about taking on the vacant England manager's role, the Daily Fail can reveal.  The FA committee charged with appointing the new manager have concluded that, following 18 months of rank ineptitude from a man not even rated as a half-decent manager by his own mother, even a woman could not do any worse.  It is thought that the revolutionary move could see a vast shake-up of the under-performing England squad, in which players are selected not on the basis of reputation or club, but on a novel and intricate assessment of the relative merits of their legs and abs, devised by Ms Monkey herself.

Ms Monkey's current contract is due to expire on Monday, so compensation would not be due to her current employers, and she is expected to make a decision over the weekend.  However, a spokesman today claimed that she has received the offer of a contract extension on improved terms, in order for her to continue her half-hearted efforts at curing the world's ills.  In addition, it is rumoured that Ms Monkey considers the job to be a full-time position, and she privately does not feel that she would be able to combine the rigours of being England manager with her extensive duties as forum mod.  The FA are set to send representatives to Ms Monkey's local in order to assure her that a commitment of one hour per week would suffice to improve the performance of the England team considerably.

Should Ms Monkey snub the offer, it is believed that the FA will approach other candidates on their shortlist, including Jade Goody, Paris Hilton and Gail from Coronation Street.

Keeper of the heretic's fork of doom.

It turns out the "tactical maestro" was just there "happy slapping" Brian Barwick. (The Sun)

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Brian Barwick has reportedly flown to Virginia to offer the job of England manager to an elusive tycoon/student.  T.K., aged 19, who is a self-professed supporter of Real Madrid, Barcelona, Bayern Munich, New York Yankees, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal, AC Milan, Juventus, and Inter Milan responded enigmatically to questioning about the position:

"It sounds, like, interesting and stuff, I guess.  They have that one guy Beckham, right?  He's sooo cute."

T.K., however, also expressed his concern at a language barrier:

"I can never tell what the f**k they're sayin'."

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"I'm wavin' automatic guns at nuns."

Following speculation that Squidge may be appointed as the next England manager, Brian Barwick has moved swiftly to quash these rumours, as it is believed the 19 year old FM 2008 expert has a more murky past than he has led the F.A. to believe.

Evening editions of todays papers are believed to be emblazoned with the legend "He's a Bummer", in reference to the young mans uphill gardening activities. 

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up, charm, top, down, strange, bottom

England Candidate Found In Bed With Pineapple 

Brian Barwick has swiftly distanced himself and the FA from an applicant for the England job.  Squidge was reportedly on the invite list for a second interview, however, after lurid reports about his exploits were splashed all over the Sunday papers, the FA have decided against requesting his attendance at Soho Square.

Reports and pictures in some Sunday tabloids showed Squidge naked in bed attempting to insert a pineapple into his anal cavity.  A feat he achieved with some expertise.  The pictures were accompanied by the testimony of Wayne Hayes, who alleged that Squidge often scored the date-rape drug, GHB and had a healthy relationship with poppers. 

Following his link with the England squad, there has been a flurry of activity across the globe linking the possible candidate to deviant activity. "I can exclusively reveal Squidge is Goatse" Wayne Hayes sensationally claimed today.

More to follow...

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up, charm, top, down, strange, bottom

Hayes For England

Sources close to the decision makers at Soho Square have sensationally revealed Wayne Hayes is currently heading the list of managerial candidates for England. Hayes, of many previous jobs, has found fame on the mcfc forum, as well as regularly featuring on The Daily Mash.

Hayes has a canny knack with words and it believed this is what has attracted the FA to approach him. For those unaware of his talents, these quotes from recent articles should win you over:

Mr Hayes shows his sensitive side as he discusses the death of Scotland. Could be used when telling Lampard he’s benched:

Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace."

He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.

"It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."

Mr Hayes gets scientific, which could help with the national teams dietary requirements:

Wayne Hayes, bacon director at the Bacon Institute said: "Bacon transforms men into incredibly sensitive and generous lovers and guarantees women the longest and most intense orgasms imaginable."

Mr Hayes gets artistic, after designing the Commonwealth Games logo for Scotland, which could assist with the flair and passion of the style of play:

Wayne Hayes, of design company Conceptomatix, explained the thinking behind the new brand.

"He's called Mungo, because Mungo is the name of our managing director.

"He's blue because of Glasgow's proud maritime tradition. He's under water because for millions of years the Glasgow area was completely submerged. He has eight legs because he's an octopus. And he's shit-faced because he's a Glaswegian octopus."

Sources at the FA HQ have refused to comment “We have no comment” was all that could be gleaned from a suited man entering the building, which is in itself a comment really. So he lied. Bastard.

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